How to care for the caregiver!
Honoring National Family Caregivers Month - November
Of course, you are no doubt aware that Legally Remote’s two main practice areas are Elder Care and Legacy and Estate Planning. Both are necessary and are expressions of care and even love for those who are close to you. Elder care specifically is a noble field. However, lets focus on that one-word, care, for a moment.
When we think of elder care, all our attention goes to the one receiving the care, and rightly so. Sometimes it is someone with special needs. Other times it’s an elderly mate or loved one. In these moments, their care is a priority. As such, an increased load could be put on those responsible for that care. Now, if your advanced planning has resulted in your loved one receiving professional care, then please enjoy the guilt free peace you have earned knowing that your decision was made with their best interest in mind. However, at times, you may be tasked with a more hands on approach to care giving. Or, even if they are receiving professional care, you are still deeply involved in their day-to-day life.
Caregiving calls for the care of not only the physical needs of the one in our care, but also the emotional needs. It could involve preparing meals, supervising medication, arranging transportation to the doctor, entertaining visitors, and much, much more. Did we mention that your life does not stop either? At times, the frustration, exhaustion, and toll that caregiving can take of the caregiver, causes both parties to suffer. So, what can you do so that you will not burn out and even worse, take it out on the person in need of care? Let us talk about a few things that could prove to be useful.
How Did We Get Here???
It’s always good to remember the state of the person who needs care. Whether it’s special needs or advancing age, we have arrived at this point because someone needs help. When it comes to family specifically, when that need arises, family members often feel a deep sense of responsibility. In that sense, caregiving can be deeply rewarding and even satisfying to a certain degree. But it still presents unique challenges. I remember when my aunt needed full time care, and my mom was determined to take on that responsibility. My mother was herself older and not in the best position to care for her sister. However, I remember when we tried to convince her that it would be better to seek alternative care, and the idea was met with great resistance! “No one is going to care for my sister but me!” While the ideal was noble, the execution was disastrous. Granted, my aunt was in the late stages of dementia and my mother was in her late 70’s herself with average health at best. I personally witnessed the roller coaster of emotions, the guilt, the anger, the frustration, and the sadness as my mother tried her best to care for her older sister. Eventually, as a family we decided that professional care was the best option for all and my aunt was well cared for until she passed away. Now, everyone has their own personal experience and outcomes may differ. The question remains though, how can we ensure that the caregiver is supported in these situations?
What YOU, the Caregiver can do.
To help cope with the physical challenges of caregiving, prioritizing self care is essential. I remember one of the sayings that was drilled into my head at one of my first jobs. It was a physically demanding job that also required a great deal of decision making and quick mental reactions. The saying was, “Be stronger than your job”. The thought behind that was, I needed to be physically equipped and emotionally and mentally strong enough for the task. That required training and often exercise to carryout my task. The same can be said for caregiving. Caregiving requires a great deal of physical effort. Depending on the care needs of the loved one, it could require such task as lifting, bathing, administering medication to an uncooperative patient or even proving mobility assistance. It may sound impossible with your already maxed out schedule, but can you make time for exercise or physical training or stretching to be strong enough for your day-to-day tasks? Also, don’t neglect your nutrition and sufficient rest to maintain strength and stamina.
Caring for the emotional strain may not be as straight forward, but it is equally as important. How do you strengthen your emotional resolve and avoid burnout as a caregiver? A lot depends on you. What energizes or refreshes you? For some it could be in the form of self care. Get that mani pedi! Play those 18 holes when you can. Ask for help to fill in for you from time to time so that you can. Even taking time to talk to a trusted friend to vent without being judged can alleviate stress and anxiety. There is no shortage of support groups or communities that offer the comfort of speaking about shared experiences.
How can others help?
Some reports state that up to 80% of caretakers in the home worldwide are women. Many report not receiving help from family members in these situations. Society has long viewed the mother or woman as the natural caretaker in many situations. And let’s be honest, most of us would prefer a woman caring for us than a man (sorry fellas, but we all know it’s true!) However, caregiving should be a team effort. Instead of caregivers the concept of caregiving teams should be the norm and not the exception. At times, because one family members seems to be especially adept at caregiving, they get stuck in that role sometimes many times over. However, families should avoid placing the burden on one specific person.
If there is one family member taking the lead, you can offer support in a number of ways. First, acknowledge their sacrifice and work, showing gratitude in words and deeds. Recognizing their hard work with words and gestures can go a long way. Secondly, look for practical ways to offer assistance. Can you volunteer to be the main caregiver for a day or more? Even giving someone a few hours break during the day for them to focus on themselves is invaluable. Even if other family members are unable to physically assist, can a pooling of financial resources help to hiring someone, even temporarily, to step in? Because of the isolation of caregiving, and the one-on-one time with a person who is in need and often in a situation that only worsens with time, there is a need to be especially sensitive of the emotional needs of the caregiver. Spend time with them, be a friend and at times, just listen. Let them vent and provide a guilt free environment for them to express how much their situation stinks! Because truth is, it does. No one wants to care for the needs of someone with failing health or advancing age. Not because we don’t love that person, but precisely because we do. It’s painful to witness up close the decline of someone we deeply care for.
Making Lemonade out of Lemons
Caregiving is a challenging and complex responsibility that affects every aspect of a person’s life. It requires physical, emotional, and even financial effort, and the challenges caregivers face can sometimes feel insurmountable. However, with a good plan, a trustworthy support system, and a commitment to personal well-being, caregivers can manage these challenges and provide the best possible care for their loved ones.
To summarize, what can you do to cope or help a valued caregiver cope? Encourage them to prioritize their own well-being, seek support from others, and access resources that can help lighten the load. By doing so, they not only improve their own quality of life but also ensure that they can continue to provide compassionate and effective care for those they love.
Caregiving has never been confused with an easy task, but with the support of others and the prioritization of one's own needs, it can be a journey of growth, connection, and profound personal fulfillment.